Saturday, January 14, 2012

An Open Letter to Brian Hayes, TD.

Dear Brian,

Im Shifty Doyle. Im ten years old. Nearly. My mammy Denise brought me up by herself. She's an artist. shes pretty cool. mammy says that if you call some mister you should no them and respect them. i dont know you so i hope its ok. and uncle don says your no good with money.
Me uncle Bamber is like me dad. I like him but there is something quare about him. i can't figure it out but im working on it.

Ive a load of aunties that I never see. They had to go away. couldnt find jobs. Mammy gets pictures all the time. They seem happy but it makes Mammy sad. Me Da left years ago, Mum said she will tell me about it when i'm older. He was a ladies man uncle bamber says. That much I know.
My teacher says I'm too lippy. Something bout having opinions. I think i get that from uncle don. Though he's not really my uncle.
Just take yesterday. I was telling teacher that Columbus never was in America. But she insisted. I protested and landed myself in detention all next week. I know shes under pressure. The class used to be smaller. but a week for telling the truth? now come on. is that fair?

I dont like school much. a lot of the kids are angry. they weren like that when i started in school. My best friend elvis is from Lithuania. I like girls, war games and chess mostly. My hero is Bobby Ficsher. He played chess as well. before the world said he was mad. do you know him? Whos your hero?
In anyways, I wanted to write to you today. Its uncle Don. Hes very annoyed with you. He said last night you said that irish people were victims. I taught uncle dons face would explode. It was really red. Mammy says he wil have a heart attack soon. Hes minding me today. Mammys off doing a workshop with alcoholics. She does it for free. she says it makes her happy.

Don was really mad. He was hopping about the place and kept sayin victim. I asked him what was wrong. He didnt answer. Hes upstairs now in the jacks.
You know when don is in the jacks. lol
I do be bold sometimes. I looked at dons computer and saw apiece of writin about you. Do you not mind people writing about you? I dont tink id like it much. Uncle dons friend chester cocks is in jail. He's written about all the time. even on the internet.
Lie low as uncle mitch says. him and bamber are good friends. But again, theres something quare going on. Ill get to the bottom of it. I tink ill be a cop when i grow up. work for the fraud squad. maybe you can help me Brian?

I read the piece of writing Brian and i tink i agree with what uncle don says. I cant write what he said because that would be naughty but hes right. Hes not a victim and i no lots of people who try hard. Sometimes sad things happens here. Mammy says they happens everywhere. That I should count my blessings i dont live in baghdad. Where is that? in donegal?

I still tink its sad though. When people try hard and then nothing. When i see mammy crying after talking to her sisters on facebook. Im not allowed on facebook yet. something about bad people who pray with children. but im to old for Mashi Monsters now.
My best friend i said about earlier is a big boy but he still cries. for his daddy. He has to work somewhere else. I try to tell him its ok. I wouldnt say that to the big red haired boy. His daddy died and nobody knows why. Bobbi mallow had to move into his grannies house and his mammy and daddy dont even talk. Theres bullies in the school but im ok. elvis is the biggest in the school. I still dont like it though. Uncle don says i should start a blog about it.
Out those ______ uncle don says. It starts with f. not allowed to say it.
i wont though. i dont like writing. its boring. Uncle don writes though. He wrote a book. But no one would sell it. Loser. I tell him as well. to his face. lol

He tells good stories though. He says he cost people 50 thousand euro one time and it was a good thing and he knows people who make films and a man called dan boyle. he's from twitter or something like that. so maybe uncle don can be a writer someday.
I think i better go now. i hear the toilet flushing. hope he feels better. He's to quite when hes in bad form. and he won't play chess. I always take him down. what games do you like?

maybe next time when you talk be careful what you say. It gets me in trouble all the time. some people then say im a trouble maker. and im not. sometimes i just stay quiet now. just for some peace. Uncle bamber says im getting smart.
uncle don says if people are victims its because they have reasons to be that way. hes says thats your fault and people that you work with. i dont know what a puppet republic means. doesnt sound like a very good job. how much money do you earn? Sorry. I ask too many questions sometimes.

uncle don says you can talk out of your bum. I want to see that. Thats funny. I want to be a comedian someday. Sonny is going to help me. hes away at an ocupation now. whatever that means.

Have to go. sorry for mistakes. i hate writing. I hope you didnt mind me writing to you. it was the picture. You look scary. Like a menace from a comic. i love comics. and uncle don is wrong. you look nothin like a clown.
:) mor an pik ur wrds btr.

Thanx for reading,

Shifty Doyle
Victional Victim


For foreign readers a TD is a member of the Irish Parliament. Where fortunes are made and squandered and made again...

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