The following is a piece of satire, meant to amuse, and coming to an underground theatre near you... Never.
An Absurd In One Act
'Chopper' Ajai Chopra
We are beneath Croke Park, down deep within it's hallowed turf. Large concrete bunker, lit by a series of spotligths which shine at angles down to a conference table. Fifteen people sit at a table. Various other people are leaving the bunker as the men and woman sit down, each trying to out do each other in their individual understanding of their own importance.
The time has come and Ireland's fate now rests in these people, chosen from history, to decide the future of a nation entering the cycle of mass insubordination.
The other people have now left, various ministers and people of self importance.
Chopper - No need for anyone else here I believe.
Brian Cowen - You're right 'Chops.'
Chopper - I'm always right, Brian. And it's Chopper.
Ollie - Right lads, let's get down to business. Basically we're taking over. We want to hear how you guys feel about that, maybe gloat a little, have a little fun, but at the end of the day, that's the bottom line. So... anyone?
Dan Boyle - If you think you can just waltz in here and..
Chopper - And who are you?
Dan Boyle - Dan Boyle.
Chopper - Who?
Mary Harney - He's one of our coalition partners.
Chopper - Why is he here?
Brian Cowen - To delegate. Make the deal. Cut the path forward in a sustainable way. Sell you the oil. The wind. Basically, anything we can.
Olli Rehn - You must understand Brian. This is not a meeting to delegate. It's very simple really. We take over, we supply the faces, we pull their strings and someday the chosen will leave for better things, out there in the broadness of the universe, encapsulated forever in technology that will spare our civilisation.
Brian Cowen - I don't understand.
Chopper - That's been your downfall.
Brian Cowen - You can't disrespect me like that.
Olli Rehn - You can leave now Brian. You're through. Harney, Gormley, you as well. Out.
Brian Cowen - But what will I tell the country?
Olli Rehn - Anything you want. They won't believe you anyway... Out.
Brian rises and leaves. Mary and John get up.
Mary Harney - I've served this country all my life.
Chopper - With all due respect Mary, you didn't have a whole lot of choice. Out.
Olli (to Bono) Paul can you get me Miriam O Callaghan and your good wife in here. We need a little class around the place.
Bono - Sure Olli.
Mary walks out furious.
John Gormley - I'd like to apologise to you all. What can I say, when the notes are big, there hard to give back. It's a weakness.
Jim Corr - What'll ya do now John?
John Gormley - Write my memoirs, grow my garden. Reflect.
Olli Rehn - John... if you don't mind.
John Gormley - Sorry Olli.
John Gormley leaves. Dan Boyle and Brian Lenihan stand-up.
Chopper - Where are you gentlemen off to?
Brian Lenihan - Out?
Chopper - Sit down.
Dan and Brian sit.
Olli - Dan, if you can make some tea and coffee?
Dan (delighted) Sure.
Dan scamps off to make the refreshments.
Chopper - Enda. I want you to mingle with the masses. Get in amongst them. Say what you like. Let's get them onside. Bring that speech writer you have with you. Funny guy.
Enda (chuffed) I write them myself. In my head. As I deliver them.
Chopper - Even better. We want to cut out all expenses by 2012. Right, be gone. Take it your taoiseach and act accordingly.
Enda - Thanks Chopper.
Gerry Adams - Are you guys taking down Fianna Fáil?
Olli - Collateral Damage... Gerry, I want you to head up a community drive in social well-being. Article 45 will be Article 1 from now on.
Dan Boyle - There will have to be a referendum. I suggest we do it on Twitter.
David McWilliam - That's the kind of thinking we need. Well done Dan.
Dan Boyle - Thanks David.
David Mc Williams - 2 sugars in mine.
Chopper - Are you with me Gerry?
Gerry - I am. But I want to be President afterwards.
Olli - All in good time Gerry. Mary R. is coming back for a term for stabilisation purposes. Took some persuading, but there ain't a better lady. After that you can shoot it out with Ahern and Norris. Ok?
Gerry - Will I have the support of the IMF and the ECB?
Olli - We'll make sure your face gets out there.
Gerry - Right, I'm in.
Chopper - Right get your arse into the city centre and talk to the protesters. There giving the Guards and the Army an awful time. They even turned on the SWP, there now fighting alongside the guards. Some of our privates from the army have joined the mob. We've reports pot has a lot of them thinking about stuff. We can't have that. It's chaos in there. Get them to go home. Buy them a few pints. Calm the nerves.
Gerry - I wouldn't have that kind of money.
Chopper - We'll take care of it.
Gerry - Sounds proportionate.
Gerry leaves. Bono comes back.
Bono - The ladies are in. I took the liberty of ringing a friend of mine, Amanda Brunker. She's coming too. It's a beautiful day.
Olli - You don't have that authority, Paul.
Bono - I'll do what I want, I'm Bono.
Bob Geldof - Sit down Paul. It's not the roight place to be causing a fuss.
Bono sits down.
Chopper - Minister Lenihan? We've turned a corner.
Brian Lenihan takes an old Luger from his trenchcoat pocket and put's it in his mouth. Dan rushes over.
Dan - There's no call for that.
Olli - You're guilty of nothing but stupidity Brian. You followed a gombeen. People have followed bigger gombeens but we don't need to go into that. The mess you inherited was a battle no one human could battle. You're the New Nick Leeson. Enjoy it. You opened the door for us. Thank you.
Brian Lenihan - I don't understand.
Chopper - That's your downfall. Right, go on, be on your way.
Brian Lenihan - No cushty number for me then?
Chopper - The F in IMF is not for failure. Good bye.
Olli - Gilmore?
Eamon Gilmore - Mr. Rehn.
Olli - Get out there and drum up some enterprise. I want women heading it up. Not the feminists ones, it's business minds we're after. Get a programme going insentifying men to stay at home with the kids. If its what they want, lets give it to them. If women think they are so great, let's find out once and for all, and fully exploit what the research throws up.
Eamon Gilmore - But I'm a man.
Chopper - That was your downfall. Now take it or we'll get Sinead O' Connor.
Eamon leaves. Dan finishes giving everyone there refreshments and sits back down, fingers folded, clued in.
Olli - McWilliams, you will head up the new RTE, literally. I want your face on every billboard from here to Shanghai. Tell the people how it is, How we can beat it, and get them interested. We're going to sell Ireland as an ideal. It's a product we are working on. A brand. An ideal.
McWilliams - I'm honoured, but I'm going to Spain to make a killing over there. Pre-arrival as per say. I'm the only man making money in Ireland now and they laugh at me. At me. See you in Madrid lads.
David leaves. Vincent coughs as if drawing attention to himself.
Vincent - I could do it.
Chopper - The sad thing is you probably could. But we can't have a Communist in charge of Propaganda. I'm sorry Vincent.
Vincent - I'll repeat the request. I could do it.
Olli - ( to Dan) Will you see Mr. Browne out?.
Dan walks over to Vincent.
Dan - Com'on Vince. Don't make this harder than it is.
Vincent - Is this how you treat servants of the state. Shame on you. Shame on you all. Due Diligence will prevail.
Dan takes Vincent by the arm and escorts him out.
Chopper - Paul give Gay Byrne a ring and see can he come in for a chat.
Bono - Sure.
A single gun shot rings out. Dan walks into the room and sits down again.
Dan - Easier than I thought.
Chopper - I like this guy. Ever done movies Dan?
Dan - I've been around a few.
Chopper - Let's make movies then. Find them Dan. Find them for your country.
Olli - A new wave. Round up the socialist ones, organise a little fire, and who knows, we could build something great. Dancin' In The Dáil, I can see it now.
Dan - What will I do with the Socialists?
Chopper - You'll think of something, I'm sure. Now go make us another herbal tea. There's a good boy.
Dan - I'm your man.
Bob Geldof - Make that two.
Dan nods. Bono comes back.
Bono - Gay can't do it. I could ring Oprah?
Olli - Sir Bob. Will you do it? You have media experience and everyone loves a bleeding heart. I don't think it's a great idea having foreigners coming in and taking over the media. The national phys just is not ready for that. You can make them cry, lay guilt on them...
Jim Corr - The guilt should be easy.
Olli - Why is everything a conspiracy with you?
Jim Corr - Who said anything about conspiracy?
Bob Geldof - Roight this isn't getting us anywhere. I''l doo it. God, what does a guy have to do just to live his fucking life, loike. Sir Bob, my arse. Those pesky children of moine, loike, all grown up now out worry a saint loike me. I mean, come on, loike, what sort of fucked up karma is that, loike.
Bono rises and goes sits with Olli and Chopper. He takes off his sunglasses. They all look at Jim.
Jim - I knew it.
Bono - We must be One, Jim. Even where the streets have no names.
Jim - You're an International Mother Fucker too?
Bono - I am the IMF, Jim. I'm Bono.
Jim - Why am I here?
Bono - Because there can only be one Bono.
Jim - But I'm Jim Corr.
Bono - But you want to be me. Save the planet from itself. I can't allow that.
Sean Haughey and Paul Gogarty enter the room dressed on new green police uniforms made from silk and a top designer. They take hold of Jim.
Jim - Where are you taking me?
Bono - You're going to Limerick. You'll have internet access. You will tell the world what has just happened.
Jim - They'll never believe me.
Bono - That's not our problem. Let's hook up for a duet soon. I just don't get the time these days to indulge. It's tough being a God.
Jim - You'll never get away with this?
The trio laugh. Dan joins them.
Bono - That's the funny thing Jim. We actually will.
Sharp hysterical laughter. Jim leaves.
Bono - Good work gentlemen. It's took a bit of time but we are here now. Let's get to work on those wind farms and getting that oil to terminals. I have a vision. For a bowl. Over the whole nation. Painted blue like the sky that fills my mind in the evening after brownies. There's much to be done.
Olli - The Bono Bowl.
Bono - That's why I hired you Olli.
They shake hands. Chopper gets up.
Chopper - I've a private jet to catch.
Olli - Who you taking out this time?
Chopper - China. Not sure how that's going to sink.
Bono - Are you doubting me, Chopper?
Chopper - You know i'd never do that.
They shake hands also. The two guys leave.
Bono - Hey Dan, run me into the Clarence will you?
Dan - Sure Bono.
Bono - ...after you drop me off, get yourself over to the Dáil and let's crumple this governmemt into the ground. Get the ball rolling again Dan. You're my man.
Dan - I'm your man.
From under the table, Fintan O' Toole and Matt Cooper come out holding dictaphones.
Fintan - Did you get all that?
Matt - I did.
They hurry to their feet.
Fintan - Let's go to Canada.
Matt - Not before I have the last word.
A phone rings.
Bono - Michael. How wonderful to hear from you. (pause) It went the way Bono expected it to go. (pause) I fear you too, Michael. (Pause) Yes, the airport is yours. (pause) Goodbye, Michael.
Dan - What drives you, Bono?
Bono - You do my good friend. You do.
Dan - I know this writer called Don Booker. I think he's an enemy of the federation.
Bono - Writers. The thorns of modern societies. I used to write poetry, you know.........
The Work of Larry Mulligan appears courtesy of Booker's World.
Vincent Browne lived and went on to beat Gerry Adams by 31,000 votes after the rebellion of 2016. He served for four months before retiring saying he could not bear the extravegance. He currently resides in Belarus.
Dan Boyle retired to Cork where he became a community investment banker, a web series star and champion for his people.
Miriam O Callaghan is the new Taoiseach.
Matt Cooper still has the last word.
John Gormley still gives the impression he's sorry.
Brian Cowen became insignificant.
Mary Harney went into private health care, eco-burials and affordable cryogenic storage.
Brian Lenihan led Fianna Fail back from the wilderness when they polled 2% nationally after the 2016 elections.
Enda Kenny has not slept in years as he continues his 'tour on shoulders' countrywide feel-good tour and still writes speeches for farmers.
Chopper retired to New Dehli and became a motivation guru.
Olli Rehn drinks regularely in Renard's after the Irish took to him and made the closet Russian one of our own.
Jim Corr now leads Ireland's largest political party. Truth.
Sean Haughey and Paul Gogarty now work for the IMF in Switzerland.
David McWilliams is a global talk show superstar.
Eamon Gilmore is still doing business.
Ali Hewson has been pre-elected as our next Taoiseach.
Bob Geldof is still giving out.
Roy Keane still won't manage Ireland.
Bono is worth half a billion sexy's; the new one world currency currently trying to be implemetnted by police forces all over the globe.
His duet with Jim Corr made #3. He's still fond of himself.
Larry Mulligan died in 2009, alone and rigid. His departing was unusual for the fact ... He left a political manifesto hidden from the World. Don Booker is currently tracking it down.
Don Booker just put an ad on Craigslist looking for a motivator to work with him. Chopper turned him down saying, 'I don't work with small flies.' He is currently depressed.
Michael O'Leary creates 1,200 jobs a day worldwide. Bono still fears him.
Ireland survived and prospered and became a land of saints and scolars and genuine laidbackidness. The Bowl is three-quarters built. Banksy has been hired to paint it.
Booker's World sold 59 copies. It's author surrended and drifted further into obscurity. I can't recall his name.